Understanding Narcissism …Without the Noise

Narcissistic behavior patterns are often misunderstood. They’ve become social media buzzwords that lose their clinical meaning, and “narcissism” has turned into an everyday adjective. But there’s also a clinical picture… and real people.  Thank you Ellen Lazar, my associate who teaches me so much every day, for your help with this.  (And scroll down to learn about Ellen’s group she is running in 2026 for Women over the age of 60!)

Definition

The DSM-5-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as:

“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

At least five of the following are required for diagnosis:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love
• Belief that one is “special” and should associate only with other special people
• Need for excessive admiration
• Sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitative behavior
• Lack of empathy
• Envy of others or belief that others envy them
• Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

In daily life, we look for a pattern of these consistently, and not isolated moments.

How Do You Know?

What It Is:

• In daily life, we look for consistent patterns, not isolated moments.
• A need to be admired or recognized regularly, even at others’ expense
• Defensiveness when their ego feels threatened
• Apologies that sound performative, focused on image, and not on impact
• Difficulty holding another’s perspective without shifting focus back to self
• Lack of empathy
• Anger or withdrawal when not in control
• Relationships that feel one-sided, leaving others depleted or self-doubting
• Image management over authenticity
• Quick to charm, slow to repair
• Shame covered by superiority

What It Isn’t

• Healthy pride in accomplishments
• Temporary defensiveness during conflict
• High confidence with genuine empathy intact
• Wanting reassurance or affirmation while still caring about others’ feelings
• A trauma response rooted in fear or anxiety (though overlap exists)
• Ordinary self-focus in moments of stress or exhaustion

Everyday confirmation is less about who they are in one scene and more about how the pattern repeats across time and relationships.  I heard years ago that if you are sincerely wondering if you are a narcissist, there is a good chance you are not one… and if you carry some traits of it, then perhaps your curiosity will lead you to work on those!

Trendy Terms Explained

Each of these terms overlaps with common narcissistic behavior patterns, helping you recognize how these traits appear in daily life.

Gaslighting:

Originally coined to describe deliberate psychological manipulation to make someone question their reality.
Now this term is used broadly, and forgetting or disagreeing isn’t gaslighting. 
Core issue: intent to distort another’s perception to maintain control or power.  
Example:  You say, “That conversation hurt me,” and they reply, “You’re imagining things! Nothing like that happened.”
The goal isn’t really to create confusion but moreso to rewrite reality so you stop trusting your own perception.

Codependence:

First tied to addiction recovery, it is losing oneself while caretaking another’s dysfunction.  True codependence: when self-worth depends on being needed, often rooted in early instability or enmeshment.  
Added insight:  In many relationships marked by narcissistic traits, there’s an over-giving / under-giving dynamic where one person over-functions to keep peace while the other gives little emotionally.  It’s not about blame as much as it’s about imbalance. The more one partner manages the tension, the less the other has to.  Healing begins when the giver pauses, tolerates discomfort, and stops rescuing to allow for reciprocity.  
Example:  You feel uneasy unless you’re helping, smoothing, or rescuing someone. When things are calm, you look for who might need you next because being needed feels safer than being still.

Covert Narcissism:

Refers to vulnerable narcissism- sensitive, shame-driven, and approval-seeking.
Not “hidden evil.” It’s the inward, fragile version of grandiosity.  Covert narcissism often hides behind niceness or martyrdom, leaving others doubting their own perceptions. 
Covert narcissists are more likely to be in therapy than overt narcissists, due to often presenting with anxiety, depression, or relationship distress rather than obvious grandiosity.
Example:  After quietly doing a favor, they say, “I guess I’m just the only one who ever helps around here,” intending to leave you guilty for not praising them more.
It looks generous on the surface, but the goal is praise and possibly even to instill guilt, and it is not a goal of connection.

Trauma Bonding:

Not “addiction to chaos.”
It’s an attachment formed through intermittent reinforcement: Periods of affection alternating with harm, that deepen dependency and confusion.
Example: After a painful argument or silent treatment, they suddenly become affectionate again, and the relief feels like love. The cycle of harm and comfort teaches you to mistake intensity for safety.

Love Bombing:

The exaggerated early phase of idealization:  Lavish praise, intense interest, rapid closeness.
A red flag when followed by devaluation or withdrawal once control is secured.
Example: They say, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone,” after a few days and start planning a future before really knowing you. When you slow things down, their warmth turns cold. The goal was speed and control, not intimacy.

Addictive and Narcissistic Behavior Patterns

Narcissistic traits and addictive behaviors can go together, sometimes as substances, and sometimes as behaviors that protect the image (to feel admired) or that keep the fantasy going.
If Narcissistic Personality Disorder is about 1% of our population, it is interesting that people with substance use disorders also have NPD 6–17% of the time.

Sexual Compulsivity (NPD 15–20%)

• Driven by a need to feel desired, powerful, or superior
• More about regulating self-esteem than seeking intimacy
• Each encounter temporarily restores grandiosity but deepens emptiness

Other Common Addictions (often 10–20% have NPD as well):
Achievement, gambling, spending, social media, or image-driven success.
The function is the same: to fill an internal void of worth with external validation.
Modern culture fuels this cycle; social media rewards image over intimacy, making admiration feel like currency.

“Narcissists Don’t Go to Therapy”

People with entrenched narcissistic traits rarely seek therapy for themselves.
They often arrive because a relationship, workplace, or reputation is at risk.  More commonly, we see clients with narcissistic traits and not the full disorder.
These are people whose early insecurity or trauma turned into a lifelong habit of control, perfectionism, or emotional distance. 
Many of these defenses begin early, such as children who learned that performance or perfection earned love often grow into adults who equate worth with admiration and the need to deflect failures.

They often don’t want to lose what they have (relationships, status, stability), and that can open the door to growth.

Developing empathy is painstaking work!
It means seeing the other person as their own separate person, not someone to fix or fight.
It means staying with discomfort or shame instead of turning it into anger or distance.

Change takes honesty and reflection; without that, the same patterns just keep showing up.

Growth, Recovery (Healing), and Help

Change is complex, but possible.
It depends on three key factors: motivation, empathy development, and sustained change.

As a therapist, we are looking for signs that:

• The person acknowledges their pattern without blaming others.
• They show curiosity instead of defensiveness.
• Behavioral shifts appear: listening, repairing, reflecting, regulating.
• The partner maintains boundaries, self-care, and clarity.
• Both engage in therapy with realistic goals.
• And crucial— that they are not questioning us, the therapists, at every turn but instead are trusting us

Growth sometimes begins when a partner stops pleading and starts setting clear, calm limits.
Compassionate firmness creates accountability without humiliation.

… But at Times It Can End a Relationship… For the Better

• Manipulation or control persists despite therapy.
• Accountability is absent or performative.
• You feel smaller, anxious, or responsible for their emotions.
• Your boundaries are ignored or mocked.
• Your well-being is declining.

Growth/Change and Repair start to happen when accountability matters more than control
If the cost to your sense of self keeps rising, it’s not a sign to try harder, it’s a sign to go.

Awareness is power. Seeing the manipulation for what it is breaks the pull of guilt
and gives you back your choice.

Family Impact of Narcissistic Behavior Patterns

When a parent or partner shows narcissistic behavior patterns, children feel it first. They absorb the tension that others are managing and often act it out.

Watch for:

• Heightened anxiety, irritability, or aggression toward siblings or peers
• Withdrawal or “parentified” behaviors like trying to mediate adult conflict (“Please stop yelling at Mom/Dad”)
• Declining effort in school, missing homework, or social exclusion

What children hear and see between adults shapes how they’ll love later.
If they witness empathy and repair- even after conflict (and always after conflict)- they learn that relationships can be challenging at times, but they don’t break.

If they see only defensiveness and blame, they may grow up believing that winning and losing are the only measures of closeness.

Model what you want them to internalize:

• Compassion during disagreement
• Real apologies (“I’m sorry” said out loud, with follow-through)
• Grace when one person “loses”
• A consistent reminder that home is safe enough for honesty

Ask yourself:
Do I want my child to repeat this pattern when they choose partners?
If not, the way you show empathy and repair with your child becomes the strongest protection against them repeating the pattern.

Growth for adult children starts with naming what wasn’t mirrored and learning to trust their own internal sense of worth.

For You…

• Don’t match their intensity or defensiveness. Calm is power.
• Don’t argue reality. You won’t logic your way to insight; remain clear in what you know is true.
• Set boundaries early and clearly. Repeat them calmly, not louder.
• Use short, neutral responses. “I see it differently.” “That doesn’t work for me.”
• Don’t over-explain. The more you justify, the more material they have to twist.
• Protect your energy. Decide what you’ll engage in, and what you’ll let pass.

Responding to a narcissist isn’t about changing them. It’s about staying in charge of yourself.

How Therapy Can Help with Narcissistic Behavior Patterns

Therapy focuses on recognizing narcissistic behavior patterns
and rebuilding healthier responses.

For the Person with Narcissistic Traits

• Builds insight into how behavior affects others
• Develops regulation for shame and anger
• Strengthens empathy and perspective-taking
• Challenges black-and-white or superiority thinking
• Separates self-worth from image or performance

For the Partner, Child, or Friend

• Clarifies reality and language for what’s happening
• Strengthens boundaries and decision-making
• Provides support for accountability
• Addresses guilt, over-functioning, and chronic self-blame
• Provides space for grief (the relationship you wished existed)
• Restores connection to intuition and agency

Therapy offers a safe place to identify narcissistic behavior patterns, understand their roots, and learn healthy ways to respond.

Signs of Healing Together

• Conversations include both perspectives
• Defensiveness shortens; repair attempts increase
• The relationship becomes safer and easier…and enjoyable
• Power becomes shared, not weaponized

It may be beyond repair when: there is emotional abuse, public humiliation, “look what you made me do” blame, broken promises, constant fear of conflict… When they never take responsibility and every conflict loops back to being your fault or someone else’s… When empathy doesn’t develop, when apologies are performances, boundaries are punished, and they rewrite reality (gaslighting becomes the default and what you remember “didn’t happen”).

What Now? We Can Help

If any of this feels familiar, it does not mean something’s wrong with you!
These patterns can be confusing and exhausting and hard to see clearly when you’re in it, but they can be understood and changed.

Therapy helps you see what’s happening, understand it, and rebuild connection in a way that feels safe and real.

That’s what Ellen, David, and I do here every day. You don’t have to sort through it alone.

We help people make sense of what’s happening, find language for it, and start feeling like themselves again.

That clarity, your clarity, is where change begins.

We go at your pace. Awareness can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s also where things start to shift. You don’t have to have it all figured out before you reach out. That’s what we’re here for.  If these narcissistic behavior patterns sound familiar, therapy can help you see them clearly and heal safely.

Schedule a Session →

For further clinical reading, see the APA DSM-5 Overview of Personality Disorders and Contact Lynn for a list of her books on Narcissism (see her upcoming Blog on Books she’s read in 2025 too!), and follow her on Social Media because her December 2025 series is all about this topic!

More from Lynn

Since my last blog, I’ve had two new Medium articles published — both exploring how self-awareness and connection shape emotional health.

I’ll also be diving deeper into these themes across my social media series:

• November: Happiness — what it really means and how to build it daily.

• December: Narcissism — understanding it without the noise.

Follow along on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, or visit my Social Media Hub to explore these conversations and join the discussion.

 Ellen Lazar is starting a group!  Two formats, one in Northfield, one virtually (accessible by any woman over 60+ in Illinois, Florida, Iowa, Washington DC, Ohio, Georgia, Michigan, Indiana, Missouri, Arizona, Utah, Wisconsin, Colorado, Virginia, and Maryland).  Flyer is here: