Connecting Socially: Why Relationships and Presence Matter
We keep hearing about loneliness, but it isn’t just that. We’re under-connected… and it’s making us anxious! What do I mean? A theme we are hearing in therapy inquiries run along the lines of: Nobody really knows me; I was in a group but I felt so cloudy and not present; I try to have conversations with my teen but they just roll their eyes; my partner is no help and makes me feel like I am the problem; All my friends hung out with out me, I always reach out but nobody checks up on me.
Sound familiar at all? These are the stories we keep hearing, in our North Shore/Chicago Northfield, Skokie (and Virtual) offices, different words, same…angst and ache. Connection is showing up everywhere in therapy right now: in couples who feel like roommates, in parents worried about their kids’ screens, in adults who have plenty of contacts but no one who really knows them. That’s why it feels important to pause here and look more closely at the themes I’ve been noticing, because when we understand how connection works (and how it slips), we start to see some openings for change.
How Couples Navigate Connection in Everyday Life
The recent “mankeeping” conversation in the news showed how much closeness can get tangled in roles and expectations. Some of this may have started when women weren’t getting their emotional or friendship needs met in their marriages, so they turned to girlfriends for depth and connection. Now, women are also saying they feel tired of planning their partner’s social lives, too. That leaves many men lonely with nothing to do when women are busy.
In my office—and Ellen and David would agree—I see how important it is to become friends with your partner. When that friendship is there, it doesn’t just strengthen the marriage or intimate relationship; it also makes other friendships outside the relationship more fulfilling.
- “We spend time together, but it doesn’t feel like we’re actually friends.”
- Or “we never really built a friendship”
A practical first step? Choose one activity you both enjoy—not a task, not logistics—just something that reminds you why you like each other. And if activities aren’t your thing, start small with a bid for connection. Try asking, “What was the best part of your day?” or simply say, “I like being with you.” Other ideas might be: “What’s one thing this week that would make you feel more supported by me?” or “I like when we feel close. What helps you feel that way with me?”
Validation: The Starting Point for Connection
I just read Validation by Caroline Fleck. It confirmed so much of what you have heard me say: validation is critical, and often a necessary starting point. It is basic understanding and empathy and showing you get it. It is not praise or agreement. In my professional life, at home, and in session, I use it, teach it, and also appreciate it! Fleck even says it is more important than love!
What it isn’t: fixing, evaluating, or skipping over someone’s experience to jump into your own.
Try instead:
- “That sounds exhausting—I get why you’re worn down.”
- “I can see why that felt disappointing.”
- “It makes sense that you’d be anxious walking into that situation.”
- “Thank you for telling me that and explaining it.”
Honestly, sometimes it is simply repeating back what you just heard- validating it as opposed to negating, fixing, or ignoring it! Validation matters because it shows someone you understand their experience. That’s what makes them feel close to you btw, not the fixing and not the praise.
Parenting in a Phone-Based Childhood
The Atlantic recently published One Way Parents Can Fight the Phone-Based Childhood. It’s not just about screens. It’s about how phones reshape the way kids learn to connect. Parents tell me they feel torn between protecting their children and giving them freedom, and both matter. Connection doesn’t grow well when it’s outsourced to devices, but neither does it grow under constant surveillance.
A practical starting point? Create one predictable phone-free zone like family dinner, the car ride home, or bedtime (or all three!). When kids know those spaces are consistent, they relearn how to talk, listen, and even be bored together. And boredom is often the opening for connection, because kids want to connect. A lot.
Here’s the wow: research shows that kids who are praised for effort- not intelligence-grow more confident and resilient. What sticks with them isn’t “You’re so smart,” it’s “I see how hard you worked.” Presence is more powerful than praise.
And presence doesn’t mean a big conversation. It can be as simple as:
- “Want to come sit with me?”
- “I saved you a spot.”
- “I like when you’re here.”
That’s what noticing looks like: not judgment, not evaluation, just reminding them they matter. P.S. Kinda like us!
Building Social Health Through Small Routines and Quiet Spaces
Public health experts now name social health as essential for long-term well-being (relationships, belonging, community, support). It’s no longer seen as a “nice to have.”
So how do we build that kind of social health into our daily, weekly, or monthly schedule? Is it small steps, or is there a clear protocol? Research suggests it’s less about a rigid plan and more about consistent touchpoints: showing up for a walk with a friend, keeping a standing dinner date, joining a group or class that repeats. Small, predictable routines are what keep connection alive.
And just as important as adding connection is protecting the spaces where connection can actually happen. Going offline—whether through dumbphones, nature, or carving out analog time—creates the quiet where emotions surface. In therapy, I’ve seen how those pauses make room for grief, for regulation, for conversations that otherwise get swallowed by distraction. In my recent piece on griefcation, I wrote about how being offline allows emotions to surface, process, and regulate. Connection sometimes begins in that quiet space.
Building a More Connected Life
If you jumped on the Let Them train this year, Mel Robbins talks about the number of hours it takes to develop not just friendships, but close friendships, alluding to the fact that you have to be intentional to build those satisfying relationships.
Social connection is resilience. Whether it’s a couple learning to notice each other, a parent loosening the hold on screens, or a child making a small choice that builds identity. They add up to healthier, more connected lives.
And if you’re wondering how to strengthen your own resilience, I shared a full presentation on it recently—you can watch the videos and see my takeaways here.
What I’ve learned again and again, both in my practice and in books like The Examined Life, is that connection heals in quiet ways:
- People want to be listened to-fully, without interruption or quick fixes.
- Presence is more valuable than praise.
- Talking brings up memories that connect dots we didn’t even know were there.
- Even change that helps us grow can feel like loss, and impasses often mean we’re circling something important.
- And validation again, showing someone their experience makes sense, matters so much more than we recognize.
That’s why therapy matters. It gives you space to speak your truth, feel understood, and practice new ways of connecting, with yourself and with the people who matter most. If you’re looking to strengthen your own connections-whether as a couple, a parent, or simply in your daily life-I’d be glad to talk. I work with clients locally in Northfield, Skokie, the North Shore, and Chicago, as well as virtually across other states.
