Years ago, I learned from many of you (or from many of your children), that two qualities were necessary when raising children. That was being predictable, and consistent. I had seen firsthand through my work as a therapist what inconsistency and unpredictable behaviors could do to somebody. You had shared examples from your own childhood, or chose to do better and become consistent and predictable parents. Some of you I helped navigate inconsistent and unpredictable parents and you are still picking up the pieces of your childhood.
And as a mom who is a therapist, I also learned a few other things.
You don’t need to put screen time limits on devices when you have taught your children how to intrinsically feel good about their own dependency on their phone and tablets. Need more data?
Most everything can be a compromise. For example, curfews. When your children communicate with you and there is trust so that when they tell you that they are at a certain location they are actually there, then decisions can be made based on transparency.
You don’t have to check their grades if they intrinsically care about doing the best they can and asking for help when they are stuck.
You don’t have to ground your children when they are open and honest. When they know they can tell you anything and that it feels better to relieve their conscience and talk about their learning experience from mistakes, you realize that they have already grown from the experience.
You do have to listen. You have to communicate authentically. You do have to watch your tone and body language. You do have to be curious and understanding and accepting. You do have to validate, and you do have to tell them when you don’t have the answers. And you also have to guide them when they need your wisdom. About sex too! Need help on that one? Check out this link.
Oh…And you don’t have to make them happy Confused on this one? Contact me and we can talk about it.
It is OK when you are impatient. It is OK when you are crabby, and it is OK when you yell, but each time circle back, let them know that you recognize your impact and if you were overreacting say so. And if you were not overreacting, talk to them about how to handle this differently next time on both of your ends.
Let your kids know when they were not the cause of your distress, and also let them know that they could be the cause of your distress and you will all still be OK.
There is a new wave of panic that our children are developing less empathy. In your home, that is still within your control! Guiding, teaching, inquiring, celebrating, and always talking… You are doing a great job. We are here to remind you why. And also to help you figure out ways that you want to do it better.
I was honored to have my quotes in 9 media outlets last month, along my guest appearance on last month's podcast on Menopause. If you missed them on Instagram and TikTok, and have any desire to read/listen (and if you might find them helpful), you can find them here!
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you- Ellen, David, Jennifer and I are beyond grateful for all of you, however you may have impacted us, trusted us, and taught us, we think of you and are thankful.
Lynn
