When I started my practice, over 20 years ago, the beginning of fall was the time I would anticipate less calls for therapy. What is it about the back to school season? Perhaps it offered more opportunities to be optimistic and hopeful, but now there seems to be more of a renewed sense of feeling discomfort, not “ok” and wanting to “feel better” about a relationship, a situation or even ourselves. How were you taught to handle feeling anything but “fine” and “ok”? How are you, in turn, helping your kids manage those feelings like sad, scared, ancious and frustrated?
I’ve been writing about parenting since 2010. Parenting. That verb has been an ongoing therapy topic. Your parents, how you parent, even how your kids are parenting…It is always in the media with new research and strategies. Some themes that I adopted myself as a parent and talk about as a therapist have been incredibly consistent:
- Direct. Say what you mean so they are not trying to figure you out.
- Curious. Ask the question instead of assuming you already know the answer.
- Consistency and predictability.This isn’t something I invented clinically- it’s what years of you, in session after session, taught me.
- Don’t only be the evaluator of your kid.
- Don’t work out your own stuff through your kid. (…That’s what we are here for)
- Slow it down on purpose. Screens, exposure…growing up at their pace.
I’ve also reflected on who I am as a parent, and now that I have young adult kids myself, what went right. Interestingly, at least to me, is that my identity as a worthy parent-with impact, agency, connections and relationships- developed as my identity as “Mom” grew.
There are a lot of parenting experts, and I’ve read a lot of them. I don’t necessarily agree with every premise, and I definitely don’t think one parenting philosophy works for every kid or every family. But I’m struck by how often very different people end up writing about the same ideas. Becky Kennedy, Dan Siegel Jonathan Haidt, Donna Jackson Nakazawa and many others (Look for my “2026 Books I’ve Read Blog” and you can read previous years list here)… have so many good insights and ideas! Whether suggesting you look for the most generous interpretation, remembering “connection before correction”, encouraging their sense of control over their lives, looking at what the culture around our kids is doing to them… Different lanes, but there is overlap. Know your kid well enough to understand what you are actually responding to. Notice when your own fear is starting to drive the parenting. Stay close without making closeness mean constant involvement. Let your child have enough disappointment, frustration, responsibility and room to get things wrong that they can develop some confidence in their own judgment. And hold onto your role as the parent without needing every hard moment to end with your child agreeing with you, but doing your best to ensure they understand and see you as fair.
And I think consistency and predictability may matter more than finding the perfect parenting technique. Kids are always learning from us. What happens when I tell the truth? What happens when I mess up? Can I disagree? Is Mom going to be okay if I’m not okay? Will Dad hear me before deciding what happened? They learn whether we are fair as they learn to trust us. (see my City Lifestyle article on Rules, Consequences and fairness here)
Validation is another place where I think we get confused. “You’re fine.” “There’s nothing to be nervous about.” “She didn’t mean it that way.” We say those things because we want our kids to feel better. But reassurance and validation are not the same thing. I can believe that something felt awful to you without deciding whether your interpretation is valid for me. And once you feel heard, maybe now we can get curious together.
Some consistent questions you ask me is how you can build their confidence or how you can improve their competence. I always appreciate the vulnerablility parents bring to our sessions when they want to do things differently… better.
And they are watching us! Not just what we tell them to do. How we act when we are stressed. Whether we can apologize. Whether we can hear something we do not like without making the other person regret telling us. Whether we repair. Whether we can admit that maybe we got something wrong. So many things parents are charged with “getting right”. Don’t enable and don’t be unapproachable! Build their own independence and confidence, but protect them from harm! Show them you are a human but remain strong and capable! It’s a lot!!! Here’s a step one: Enjoy them. I really believe that. Not every conversation has to improve them. Ask about something because you actually want to know. Laugh. Be interested. Our kids want to know that we love them, but I think they also want to know that we like them. And honestly, I think they want to feel good about us too.
You will mess up. I have too! We can’t expect ourselves to do it perfectly. We will say the wrong thing. We will react too quickly. We will realize later that something was more about us than it was about them. We can go back. We can say, “I don’t think I handled that very well.” We can try again. That counts too.
We see parents. We see kids. We see young adults figuring out how much they want their parents involved. We see adults in their 40s, 50s and 60s still making sense of the families they grew up in. We see people who had wonderful parents, people who did not, and plenty who are still trying to understand the mix.
Ask Us about the Group for Women 60+ Beginning October 16th !
Most of all, we see you and we are here.
Warmly,
Lynn
