Empathy strengthens relationships, even in the most challenging dynamics. Here’s how to protect your compassion without losing yourself (and scroll down to find the link to the Narcissism post).
It is one of the best parts of my job.
Not showing empathy, but learning about yours. So much of therapy is about learning, practicing, and connecting empathically- understanding what that means and how it shows up in relationships.
Where Connecting Empathically Begins
When we talk about connecting empathically, we’re really describing how empathy builds from temperament, experience, and conscious effort. There’s temperament, yes. But empathy is also trainable. Empathy can increase with targeted training across multiple environments. Programs that teach perspective-taking, reflective listening, and emotional regulation consistently show measurable gains.
[***Want to connect empathically in a group? Ellen Lazar is starting a group! Two formats, in Northfield, & virtually (accessible by any woman 60+ in Illinois, Florida, Iowa, Washington DC, Ohio, Georgia, Michigan, Indiana, Missouri, Arizona, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin, Colorado, and Maryland)]
I’ve always suspected my voracious childhood reading (especially fiction) trained my empathy. Research supports that frequent fiction reading correlates with stronger perspective-taking and “theory of mind.” Even short bursts of literary fiction can temporarily boost empathic accuracy. Don’t underestimate either, the power of teachers and mentors who mirror feelings accurately, as well as trusting your own intuition and skill. Even intentional practice can improve empathy.
Empathy can be shaped-by practice, reflection, and example.
I remember hearing in 2006 a quote about the necessity to actively learn and cultivate empathy:
“There’s a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit—the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us: the child who’s hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.”
— Barack Obama, Northwestern University Commencement, June 19, 2006
What Empathy Is (and Isn’t)
Connecting empathically doesn’t mean you agree or fix- it means you stay curious and open, even under stress. Empathy can be simply things like taking the other person’s perspective seriously, even when you disagree, staying curious under stress, letting someone else’s experience matter without making it about you. And it definitely isn’t agreement, fixing, or rescuing, …or disrespecting your boundaries, nor is it a personality trait you either have or don’t.
It also isn’t validation alone. Validation says your feelings make sense. Empathy says I can feel this with you.
Validation calms. Empathy connects.
Use both, in that order.
Use empathy when you want to connect more than you want to win:
- Partners: “It makes sense you felt left alone last night. I didn’t check in and that made you feel unimportant”
- Kids: “You’re disappointed the playdate ended. That’s hard.”
- Friends/colleagues: “I see you hustled to cover that deadline. That was a lot.
- Neighbors/strangers: “I’m really sorry that happened. That sounds tough.”
When Empathy Is Hard, Why It’s Hard, and What That Looks Like
On that note… A Quick Word on Narcissism
Narcissism is a pattern: admiration-seeking, empathy impairment, and entitlement that repeat across settings. Empathy often collapses when ego feels threatened. Repairs may sound performative, and relationships can feel one-way. It’s not ordinary self-focus but a deeper relational deficit. Traits can exist without a diagnosis. You might feel minimized, conditionally loved (“only when you agree”), or as though your partner controls the emotional temperature of your home.
👉 Read: Understanding Narcissistic Behavior Patterns Without the Noise →
(Full post by Lynn and Ellen available exclusively by clicking this link.)
When empathy is hard, it usually isn’t because people don’t care. Some adults struggle because they’re protecting themselves. Stress, shame, or old patterns can make it hard to stay open. Instead of listening, we rush to deflect or minimize: “At least it’s not worse,” or “You’ll be fine.” Those phrases might sound caring in the moment, but they end the conversation instead of deepening it.. Empathy asks us to pause that reflex and stay with what is being communicated.
Common Phrases or Behaviors
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “If you loved me, you’d support me.”
- Rewriting events to preserve image.
- Charm early, rage or withdrawal later.
Empathic, Boundaried Responses
- “I hear you want support. I also need you to hear what landed hard for me.”
- “I won’t debate my memory. Here’s what I experienced, and what I need next time.”
- “I’m willing to talk when we’re both calm.If voices rise, I’ll pause and come back at X time”
- “I appreciate your apology. Repair for me looks like ____ this week.”
Protecting Children
Watch For:
- Rising tension or anxiety, sleep changes, or stomachaches.
- Aggression toward siblings or peers.
- Withdrawal or even pleading: “Please stop yelling at Mom/Dad.”
- Declining grades, social withdrawal, or low motivation.
Model Healthy Repair:
- Let kids hear empathy between adults (“I see why that stung”).
- Let them see reparation (“I’m sorry. Here’s how I’ll fix it”).
- Make discussions about process, not winning.
- If one parent “loses,” model grace and next steps.
We Can Help You
- Regain your sense of self and calm your nervous system.
- Identify your triggers and build coping strategies.
- Establish kid-first routines that protect emotional stability.
- Decide which boundaries to hold-and whether your relationship is healing or harming.
Clarity Note: This guidance does not excuse entrenched narcissism. That’s a more serious clinical problem. The focus here is on coping with traits and protecting children while adults do their work. Remember, more information on Narcissism is above- follow that link!
Teaching and Practicing Connecting Empathically
When I ran social skills groups, I would have the kids take off their shoes and we would take turns “putting themselves in someone else’s shoes.” I had an article/activity published in the early 2000s about perspective taking as this skill has been close to my heart from the early days of my career. Exercises like these are how we start connecting empathically with others, one perspective at a time.
- Slow the moment: Take one breath. Name their feeling before defending.
- Mirror, then ask: “It sounds like the meeting felt dismissive. Tell me more about it?”
- Perspective switch: “If I were them, what would this mean and how would I feel?”
- Curiosity follow-up: “What did you wish I’d done right then?”
- Repeat out loud: “I was oblivious when I should have paid attention. Next time I’ll ____.”
- Keep boundaries honest: “I hear you, and also I’m not okay with yelling. Let’s pause and return later.”
Use these everywhere: with partners, kids, colleagues, friends, neighbors, even strangers.
If Empathy Is Missing in Your Relationship: Working on It or Walking Away
Healing is possible when both people show motivation, accountability, and sustained change. Couples with narcissistic traits can improve connection through communication and empathy training, but progress is slow when rigidity or ego-threat dominates.
Walk away when:
- Manipulation or emotional harm continues.
- Accountability is performative.
- Your well-being or safety declines.
Therapy helps both sides:
- For the person with less empathic traits: regulation of shame and anger, perspective-taking, consistent repair.
- For the partner/family: reality-testing, boundaries that hold, grief work, and reclaiming agency.
Why It’s Not Too Late
When empathy is hard, it’s usually not about “not caring”- it’s more about self-protection. Stress, shame, or old habits can make it hard to stay with someone’s feelings. That’s when we say things like “At least it’s not worse” or “You’ll be fine.” It sounds helpful, but it pushes people away. Even strained relationships can begin healing by connecting empathically and setting clear boundaries.
Strained relationships feel safer when empathy exists with boundaries:
“I can see how painful that is for you, and I care about what you’re feeling.” (empathy)
“I can listen, and I am sorry I can’t help you figure this out (…(or) and I am sorry I can’t stay for very long… (or) this sounds complicated and I don’t think I am much help here. Did you talk to someone else about this (your boss, therapist, other support, etc)).” (boundary)
Training works. Practice works. Stories (the ones we tell, and the ones we listen to) help. We get better at being with each other on purpose and with purpose.
More from Lynn
Since my last blog, I’ve had two new Medium articles published — both exploring how self-awareness and connection shape emotional health.
I’ll also be diving deeper into these themes across my social media series:
-
November: Happiness-what it really means and how to build it daily.
-
December: Narcissism- understanding it without the noise.
Follow along on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, or visit my Social Media Hub to explore these conversations and join the discussion.
We Can Help
If any of this feels familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or dramatic. These patterns can be confusing and exhausting and hard to see clearly when you’re in it- but they can be understood and changed!
Therapy can help you rebuild trust, balance, and connection by learning the tools for connecting empathically again. That’s what Ellen, David, and I do here every day. You don’t have to sort through it alone.
We go at your pace. Awareness can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s also where things start to shift. You don’t have to have it all figured out before you reach out. That’s what we’re here for.
