Connecting Considerately
IF dyad is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as pair; specifically, two individuals (such as husband and wife) maintaining a sociologically significant relationship,
THEN, are you (choose as many as apply):
1. Part of a dyad
2. Previously part of a dyad
3. Hoping to be part of a dyad
4. Unhappy in your dyad
5. Fulfilled in your dyad
The past two months I focused on couples in my videos and posts (check them out on my social media links at the bottom of the page). As David, Ellen and I work with couples in 2024, we are seeing a lot of themes. People are struggling. Communication is risky and poor and misunderstood. People seem to be doing a lot more talking than listening, and partners are wanting others to change more than they are self-reflecting on what they can do differently themselves. In fact, lack of commitment is the most cited reason for divorces. Are you vested? Are you all in? (my informal survey I did in 2018 was about the work needed to make your relationship work).
Some of the couples we see are barely friends, but yet they have been married for years. This is not hopeless. Read that again. This is not hopeless. First of all, they are showing up in a brave way to do this marital counseling thing. There is a commitment right there, a catalyst, to disrupt what has always been. A book I read last year had a premise about tricking people to fall in love with you by simply being interested in them, and being curious about personal things. It reminded me of this viral post 36 Questions to Fall in Love.Is this the magic solution? Of course not. But again, being interested, listening, sharing…. These are actions we take when we are in a close relationship.
My upcoming social media post (being edited by my son soon after he finishes my emotions/feelings series) is called, “These are the reasons why she left you…. And the one reason he left her.” Of course I acknowledge these are generalizations, yet I can’t help but pay attention to the consistent messages I am hearing in sessions, from you at your most vulnerable and honest, from friends, and even in the media.
We want consideration. We want to be heard. We want to be understood. We don’t want to be dismissed. We don’t want you to take what I say and respond with a “one-up” eg The garbage was picked up today and you forgot to take it out does not deserve a response of “well you never emptied the dishwasher…. Or…. Well you didn’t remind me”.
How are you communicating? What patterns are you repeating that are negative and hurtful and keeping you in the same cycle of getting nowhere but hurt or frustrated… and lonely? My free PDF on my website talks about how to communicate. This is a skill we all can continue to work on. I wrote about it here for Marriage.com (first published in 2017, updated 2023) as well. This article also talks about similar solutions for when things are taking a hostile turn.
Start with empathy. Validation. If you respect your partner, then trust that what they say has value BEFORE you treat them poorly or with defensiveness… or worse, with offensiveness.
What does consideration mean to you? What does it feel like when you get it AND how can you improve your own skills? It can be so hard to train yourself to speak your truth AND come across as compassionate, assertive, kind, and open. We work hard in sessions with couples, and help you embrace the discomfort. This article talks more about what that might look like. I also like this article because it reminds me of how complicated our sessions are; that your teamwork/dyad/partnership is what needs nurturing and healing and growing.
Some words to the wise: It is still a cited statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. The “Empty Nest Divorce” is showing up more and more on our news feeds (for example in this article) and one article even said the rate has tripled for those over 65. Remember the book I’ve mentioned before, Girls on the Brink? It drives home the female instinct to survive. Messages post-COVID are along the lines of “you-do-you”, and “life is short so be happy” mantras and they often empower one to make changes in their life. To survive and to thrive. I stand behind my mantra of: You want to believe you have tried everything to make your marriage work before making the decision to end it. Yet, how are YOU, as a teammate, a partner, a member of your dyad, willing to make it work? Are you surviving or are you thriving? Are you lonely and quiet and feeling too unsafe to ask for what you need? Or, are you giving more than you are taking and feeling frustrated and resentful?
And we did not even touch on betrayal and how that can destroy your relationship or give you a reason to build a healthier foundation.
We are here so that you don’t have to figure it out alone.
